Kaiden Time! (20 Months)

My munchkin boy is 20 months old!

Agh!

He's growing up way too fast!

He is a a little boy with a lot of love, joy, and innocence. 

You can tell just by how he talks.

He has an aura of the most beautiful light,

it radiates and dances around him.

If you ever got to meet him you would understand what I mean.

Even the grumpiest, rudest people I know have fallen under his light.

They turn into happy kids who just smile and forget their troubles.

I wish I could share that with all of you, 

the way he makes you feel,

you feel like you've touched a little bit of Heaven.

Now, frankly, I'm not a believer.

I've had troubles and can't put my finger on why I don't.

But I can say this honestly,

if there are angels,

and there is a heaven,

I know he is part of it.

There is a great plan for him.

I can feel it.

When he was born there were auras surrounding him.

Lots of people saw them on my videos and in person.

He had white orbs that followed him.

Now upon occasion I did see them.

It was more others noticing them though.

But they (random strangers) told me he was special because of it.

At first I was a little creeped out.

Like, dude, step away from my kid.

But now I can see it.

Age = Wisdom

Right?!

Well, I guess I'm just babbling prophetic stuff

but I seriously think he has a great purpose in this world.

Anyways,

If you haven't already go check out my video of him.

It's just him talking and playing.

Its supposed to show you all how he's growing up and a peek at his personality.

Link To Video!!

My Depression

I was never perfect.

I wasn't the girl who's parents were proud.

I didn't get A's or B's.

I was the kid that everybody expected to fail.

I wasn't always that way of course.

As a child I loved reading and was on Honor Roll.

Something happened in middle school.

That little girl so willing to learn turned into a rebel.

We all have our reasons.

Some of us were overprotected.

Some where born rebels.

Me?

I was depressed.

I've touched on this topic in one of my previous blogs.

I only explained how it connected to the birth of my first beautiful son.

Not how it made me, molded me.

I am not the girl I was.

I truly believe if someone, anyone, had saved me sooner 

I would be so different today.

What is inside of me I haven't shared.

For one reason or another I have always tried to hide it.

Afraid of what you might think of me.

What if they tell me it was stupid?

What if they think Im not a fit mother?

What if...?

So much has happened.

For so long I've held in my past, locked it away so deep.

It has cut my open from the inside out because of this.

You all mean so much to me and there are some of you who even helped me survive.

You give me the strength to continue when I have felt like I shouldn't have been born.

In highschool I loved a boy.

The people in this will remain nameless but I will give them a letter to avoid confusion.

This boy will be 'J'.

I was a 15 year old freshman.

He was an 18 year old senior.

We met at a football game.

He was at the front of the bleachers and I was at the back.

He turned around and shouted across the crowd 

"Hey, are you the lesbian?"

I do have a thing for girls but was not a lesbian.

I ignored him.

But as time went on he followed me in school and became my friend.

He got to know the real me.

The me that I hid deep inside.

The pain I felt at home.

All the names I was called.

How I cut everyday.

He wanted to save me.

He couldn't but he tried.

The more persistent he was the more I fell for 

the boy who didn't give up.

I let him in and I had never done that.

It was the beginning of my first "love" story.

We started dating and he came over everyday after school.

He seemed like a great guy.

One month after we started dating I wanted to loose my virginity.

I thought we would be together forever etc.

I had no idea what love was.

He kept telling me no.

He didn't want to take my innocence.

Once I turned 16 I decided I would try to seduce him.

I was so young and reckless.

It worked though and he finally agreed.

It was painful and not at all what I had expected.

I wasn't exactly pleased with what had happened.

I then was so attached to him.

I thought that he was mine and no other girl should have a thing to do with him.

He didn't like that.

We had many fights.

After about 6 months of dating we split up.

A week later he called me wanting to meet up and talk.

I met him at his friends apartment.

J was high, I think he had been drinking as well but I don't know.

His friend was sitting in the living room playing video games.

I came in and we talked.

I don't remember what about it was all so weird seeing him again.

He was so happy without me.

It stung.

He then grabbed me and carried me to his friends bathroom.

I was in shock. 

What was he doing?

At that moment I knew I made a mistake coming here.

He raped me that night.

His friend did nothing.

I ran home and my parents had called my grandparents.

They had all been searching for me, it was after dark.

I had left in the afternoon.

We filed a case and I went to testify.

They had me go into a room with a man with a piece of paper.

There was a big window like in interrogation rooms in crime shows.

He had me tell him what happened.

He was very kind but it was hard for me to talk to him.

I was ashamed.

Ashamed of myself.

I thought somehow it was me.

He went to court and I didn't hear what happened until years later.

The charges were dropped on him somehow.

I still don't know why or what exactly happened.

After that day I became someone else.

I was withdrawn and alone.

I had given up on myself.

I wished so many nights I wasn't born.

I would cry myself to sleep.

I was so broken.

After many cuts I couldn't bring myself to cut deep enough.

I wasn't squeamish about blood, nor was a a weenie with pain.

My problem wasn't that I couldn't, I just wasn't over that edge yet.

Then one night my dad came home drunk.

It honestly wasn't his first time with drinking.

He usually did it after work.

Mom said it was because his job was stressful.

He usually just beat in doors or threw computers.

He was usually fairly clumsy when he was drunk which was the advantage my sister and I had.

The disadvantage was his size and brute force.

He was a 6'2" man who was quite strong.

He was also a psychiatrist.

Which means he can hurt as easily as help.

He knew what buttons to push to get you to a certain point.

He was the kind of person who, if he started a pointless argument, would hurt you if you walked away from the fight.

I don't remember what he started this argument about.

Maybe a sock of mine being in the living room.

Maybe the bathroom not being clean.

I agreed to clean it up and I guess he thought my tone was not appropriate.

It was midnight on a school night.

He had woken me up to tell me and I was exhausted.

He started the yelling.

So loud.

He started walking toward me and I kept backing up.

He knew I had told on him.

He was mad.

My mom was mad.

My sister was scared.

I was the only one who didn't care.

I had no self worth.

I wasn't worried.

If he killed me for it, so be it.

Would save me the trouble.

He backed me into a wall still yelling.

He was working himself up.

He by this point was turning red and shaking in anger.

He called me all sorts of names.

They didn't hurt me.

My heart was almost solid ice.

There was only one spot that was left unharmed.

He must have seen how unaffected I was.

He grabbed my wrist.

I didn't wince even though there was a bruise there.

That made him mad.

Pain usually worked.

He didn't like to fail.

Then he said what I had begged God to protect me from.

"You deserved what you got. You're a slut."

My heart ached.

I felt a shard of ice stab into my soul and shatter it.

No.

I had nothing left to hold onto. 

He saw he had succeeded.

He left me there.

I was running.

Tears streaming down my face but I had nothing left.

I had no will anymore.

Just an urgent drive to end it.

This pain.

It hurt worse than death.

I ran to the bleachers.

I had read up on nooses.

I had made one out of a rope my dad had kept in his car.

I had debated on the handgun or knives he had in his trunk as well but decided against it.

Mom said he kept those things in the car because people at work threatened him.

I always questioned that.

I tied everything securely, I surprised even myself.

I wasn't exactly versed in knots.

But it must have been good enough.

I put the hole around my neck and without hesitation jumped.

It didn't work immediately.

I had hoped it would just break my neck and that would be it.

I started suffocating.

It was a horrible feeling.

Pain flared up everywhere. 

My face started to hurt.

I felt like I would explode.

Then it started to subside.

I was loosing consciousness. 

I was going to die.

I heard laughter.

I was getting closer.

It would be too late.

That was ok.

I passed out.

I woke up in a hospital.

I was hideous.

I had nasty marks on my neck. 

My face was discolored.

I never spoke.

They shipped my in a van with bars on the windows  to a different state.

I was walked into a mental hospital.

I was told to strip and put on a sheet.

They checked me for any razors etc.

They then told me I couldn't keep my jacket because it had strings.

I was given back the clothes I was allowed to wear and given a room.

I ended up staying there for about a month.

I got pills that would "get rid of my depression".

I had classes and exercise everyday.

Eventually I was good enough to go home.

But I was in state custody.

They told me that when I got there.

My grandma would be taking care of me.

They said they try to keep you with family.

So I went to live with my grandma.

She helped me through a lot.

She got me a kitten that I named Foxx.

He slept with me every night and I got a lot of cuddles from my grandma.

Things were good.

I started a new school where I made tons of friends.

I vowed to be more outgoing and act like a "normal" kid.

I did a good job.

I met a guy I will call "D" a few months into moving.

He didn't go to our school but one of my friends introduced us.

I knew she securely had a crush on him.

But I wanted him.

He was a bad boy though.

You could tell just by how he walked.

He was the star football player at his high school.

So many girls wanted him.

I made it a competition I would win.

We texted a while.

Somehow he asked me out.

We dated a while and had sex a lot.

Then the friend who introduced me told him lies and he broke up with me.

I wasn't disappointed. 

I thought of him as a trophy.

I never had feelings for him.

Then it started.

I got into using guys.

It filled up that void in me.

That part of me that was destroyed.

Those men in my life.

They all hurt me.

Now it was my turn.

For the next few months I went through a lot of guys.

Most older than me.

They all resembled J in some way or another.

Each one of them I dated.

Gave them sex that they thought was "amazing".

They'd want more and I'd be gone.

Then at school one day another friend I skipped school with said someone had something to say to me.

We will call him "B".

B came up to me and told me he thought I was pretty.

He was a grade younger than me.

He had blond hair and blue eyes.

He was unlike any guy I had ever been with.

He was the kind of guy who you could see wearing sweater vests.

He loved reading and writing.

He planned on becoming an author.

We found we had many things in common and I got back in touch with the hobbies I had enjoyed.

I started writing stories.

I made drawings and filled my walls with them.

He was impressed.

We dated for about two weeks before we had sex for the first time.

He had only been with one other girl and it had been a bad experience.

After that we had sex almost every time we were together.

We were very close in our writing.

We wrote stories together and shared ourselves.

I let another boy in.

This time it felt different.

Again, I swore we would get married.

We planned our wedding and kids.

We even had names for our future kids.

It seemed like for once It would work.

I had gotten out my anger at men and accepted my past.

He helped me mend it.

He told me not all guys were like that and he would prove that there are people who care.

We were dating about 5 months when things started getting weird.

He started hanging out with his friend, the blond girl.

I still don't have a clue who she is.

He stopped writing things for me and walking my to class.

He stopped waiting at my locker.

I always asked him if something was wrong but he wouldn't say.

I missed my period.

I knew I was pregnant.

I just knew.

I took a test and of course it was positive.

I was excited to tell him.

I still thought he was in it forever.

I still thought he wanted this.

I came up to him after school.

He was with her again.

I didn't think much of it because I trusted him.

He told me they were just friends.

I had no reason to think any different.

He barely even looked at me.

She gave me a dirty look and walked away.

I started feeling scared.

Why would she do that?

What had I done?

He said he needed to talk to me.

I said I did to but for him to go first.

I didn't have a clue what was about to happen.

He said "I don't love you anymore."

I was so taken aback.

How?

When had this happened?

I started crying.

In the middle of that crowd of people.

He walked away.

I didn't stop him.

I never told him.

I left school with a friend.

We smoked ciggarettes.

I knew I shouldn't but I was addicted and young.

I didn't care about anything.

The one person who told me they would show men aren't all bad, couldn't.

About a week later I started bleeding.

Clotting.

A lot of pain.

I knew what was happening.

I didn't tell anyone.

I didn't care.

I was numb.

That was the last bit of hope inside of me.

I gave up on fighting to remain in my grandmas custody.

I gave up trying to stop myself from cutting.

I gave up trying to not chain smoke.

I just gave up on myself.

I was dating a girl named Sam then.

I didn't love her.

She gave me cigarettes.

Thats why I was there.

Eventually yet another vicious court date went around.

Accusations came up as normal.

I didn't fight back.

I let them beat me.

The judge knew my father and my fathers lawyer.

They were friends.

Money means power.

So i was returned to their custody with two months left of being 17.

I bided my time.

I enrolled in online high school.

I stayed in my room all day.

I ran away several times.

Usually because of a fight with my dad.

I started getting high.

I traded sex for cigarettes and weed.

I didn't care about my body.

My heart was stone.

Completely hard and unfeeling.

My body wasn't sacred.

God didn't exist.

Life was a hell.

That was all.

I never thought twice about my lifestyle.

I dated another boy.

I didn't ever love him.

He asked me to marry him and move to texas.

I refused and left.

Thats when everything I told you about happened.

My parents moved.

I met Bryce.

Life changed.

(If you haven't read that I would suggest doing so)

Link To That Blog

 Thank you for reading!

Why Did We Name Baby #2 Asher?

Asher Zaine Baker

It sounds kind of catchy doesn't it?

I think so.

Well I have gotten a lot of questions and concern about how he will be

bullied etc for his name.

Asher Baker

Both his first and last name end in ER. 

Which in itself is slightly problematic.

How could we choose a name when it clashes like that?

What if the kids at school make fun of him?

Those are all very valid concerns.

We originally were unsure whether we should name him Asher 

because of these very reasons.

We didn't want to regret our decision.

When naming a child, at first, it seems simple.

There are a BILLION names out there and you only have to choose 1.

(Well two if you count the first and middle name)

How could it be that hard?

Well.

As a parent you do not want to put a name down on his/her

birth certificate and regret it.

A name is our first impression when talking to someone before meeting them.

For example:

You are talking to someone online named Alice.

You imagine her as blonde in a little blue dress (at least I do).

It turns out it is a burly man.

When someone tells you there name it sort of defines them.

Asher is a masculine name.

It is a name from the bible.

It means 'blessed' and 'happy'. 

What more could you ask for?

We ended up doing tons of research on the name Asher, the name Zaine, and making a list of all the other names that we liked.

We then crossed off each name from least to favorite until only one name remained.

Asher Zaine

That's when we realized it was the name.

It meant so much to us.

It was perfect for us.

We couldn't imagine our bundle of joy being known as anything else.

We decided that in the end a child will eventually, at some point in their life, get bullied or made fun of over something. I would much rather it be some idiot nit picking his name than other alternatives. 

As parents we cannot protect our kids from everything, especially in their school years. We can help them cope with their peers and help them understand how to deal with others insecurities.

I hope this clears things up! 

Thank you for viewing my blog!

20 Weeks Down, Halfway There!

So I have decided to start pregnancy blogs! 
Honestly' I don't have the slightest clue how to do one so bear with me! 
They will get better as we go and I learn the ropes and view other peoples blogs! 
So please comment with any ideas or suggestions!

So I am finally at the halfway point! Can you believe it?

Updates

This week I had tons of errands to run, including making baby registries!

Bryce's mom wants to throw us a baby shower. I wasn't sure if we wanted to do one because we have already had a baby boy but she insisted so we accepted. 

I won't complain though! Baby showers are lots of fun and I can use all that I can get!

We also got easter pictures done this week!

Symptoms

I've been so tired (partially because of a certain little boy)
Ive had doe acid reflux which I had throughout my pregnancy with Kaiden
Im experiencing mild pain in my cervix. It's not too bad but I can't help but worry about what could cause it, especially because of all the complications with Kaiden.
I have terrible pregnancy brain!

Cravings

Root beer
Ice Cream
Fudge
Subway

Highlights and Lowlights of my Pregnancy Week 19-20:

Highlights: 

• I can still fit into some of my pre-pregnancy jeans! (With a hair tie)
• I can feel Asher moving a LOT now! Especially at night.
• I am halfway through my pregnancy! Whew!
• Kaiden loves giving his brother kisses!

Lowlights:

• I have a heavy feeling in my cervix when baby is low
• Occasional nausea
• Stress!
• Dry hair
• Simply, exhaustion.

Weight gain: +13 lbs

Major Developmental Milestones: Baby is swallowing more! He's also producing meconium (a block, sticky by product of digestion)!

Stretch marks: I haven't gained any new tiger stripes yet! My old stretch marks are expanding and look a bit irritated though. 

Belly button in or out: It is an outtie!

Sleep: Kaiden still doesn't sled through the night. Occasionally he will but I still wake up exhausted. Asher continues to kick my bladder all night long making it impossible to get to sleep or stay asleep.

Best moment this week: I got to go on a walk everyday with my little man and I have also started up pregnancy pilates!

Worst moment this week: Probably the amount of stress building up due to bills etc.

Miss anything: I miss my pre pregnancy body. I miss being able to fit into my cute little shirts and such with summer coming up! I feel so self conscious.

Movement: This past week Asher has been kicking me mostly at night when I am trying to sleep. It seems to be primarily on my bladder and pelvic bone.

Cravings: Fruit and sweets are the main craving for this week! 

Queasy or sick: A little bit but only occasionally will I get nauseous.

Looking forward to: Going to my OB appointment and seeing how baby's doing in there!

Mood: I've been very stressed and worn out!

Upcoming Events/Appointments: I have an OB appointment in 2 weeks.  We have an easter egg hunt for Kaiden this weekend!

What I Look Forward To: Seeing Asher for the first time!

Weekly Wisdom: Don't get too excited about warm weather in Kansas. Its likely to change in 5 minutes.

Starting weight 130 pounds! 

I am now 143 pounds. 

I gained 13 lbs!

Love my posts?

Give my facebook page a like! 

Facebook Link

Name Reveal!

If you have looked on the side bar and scrolled down, 

you probably already know what his name is going to be. 

His name means blessed and happy!

I know I'm ready to meet the little booger! 

He's so rowdy at night. 

He keeps me up!

Well, I guess I've let anticipation

eat you up long enough!

Its:

 "Ashers' are: wise, creative, strong, and friendly. People named Asher are affectionate, seek harmony, and virtuous- with single mindedness they strive only for the general good. Asher's are extremely good looking and attractive in nature, possessing a certain charism. Very inquisitive and full of energy, Ashers' are unique and special people. Ashers' possess a spirit of determination and strong will."

Information From

Be sure to watch my name reveal on youtube! It took me FOREVER TO MAKE!!
Click the link below to go there!!
Name Reveal! (Works)

Welcome To Our Family (Part 2)

I guess I left you all at a very important moment. I will spare you the visual of what happened. 

This is where maybe I should explain how unprotected sex can end in pregnancy, 

but we all know how this story ends so I'll just cut to the chase. 

After the deed was done I did not feel love for Bryce. 

I did not feel any different about him. 

I was not ashamed of what I had done the first day we met in person. 

Again, it is not a moment in my life I am proud of. 

Nonetheless, what's done is done. 

After that the days dragged on as I moved into the new house. 

My room started looking like my own and Bryce came and went between his job and school. 

We talked on the phone every night and kept in contact. 

Technically we were dating but we were not exactly a couple off the cover of a magazine.

I still had not fallen for him though each day I got a bit closer. 

He understood me like nobody else had. 

That scared me. 

And when I got scared, I always ran. 

But again somehow I decided not to. 

Something made me stay. I still don't know what.

A few weeks after we first met I missed my period. 

For me it wasn't an oh shit moment. 

My period was unpredictable and occasionally came late. 

I thought nothing of it. Until I brought it up to Bryce. 

We joked about me being pregnant. 

Did all the what ifs. 

Neither of us actually thinking it was a real possibility. 

I mean, why us?

Things like that don't happen to just anyone. Right?

Wrong. 

A few days went by and I started to be concerned. I didn't feel sick, did I? 

That obviously means I can't be pregnant, right?  

Wrong again. 

I drove myself to the dollar tree to get a test. 

I told my mom I was going to put oyt more job applications. 

I didn't tell Bryce where I was going. 

I didn't want to tell anyone. Again,  I was scared. 

I got there and picked up the dollar store tests and checked out. 

The young man ringing up my items must have seen the scared ashamed look on my face. 

He said "I hope you get the answer youre hoping for." 

I took my bag and left. 

I still remember thinking "oh why did I do this"

I got lost on my way home. 

I ended up in tears because I had no idea where I was. 

Hint one. 

I had to call my grandma to give me directions. 

I still got lost and cried even more until she had to drive to me and guide me home. 

Hint two.

Still I was unconvinced that anything would show up on the test. 

I swore it would be just one line and life would go on like usual. 

Me smoking my lungs away trying to escape my past.

Two lines.

In the bathroom I sat there shocked. 

I didn't cry, didn't smile. 

Just sat there. 

Numb. 

Its not true.

Its wrong.

Its cheap so it can make mistakes. 

I knew I was pleading with the world. 

Please let it be wrong. I can't do this. 

Im not ready.

I sent Bryce a picture of the test. 

He thought it was fake, a joke. 

Oh boy, I wished I could tell him it was. 

I bought another test, a first response. 

Positive. Positive. 

I bought several more. 

Positive. Positive. Positive. 

A digial. Yes +

Oh God, this is real.

Bryce got out of school and came over and I showed him the tests. 

He looked at them for a while, 

maybe hoping if he looked long enough one of the dark lines would vanish. 

Neither of them did.

...

...

Over the course of my pregnancy we both grew close. 

I fell for him and he fell for me but we were both so young. 

We had no idea what we were about to experience. 

No idea how hard life was about to become.

Kaiden was born when Bryce was starting college and in bowling leagues.

I was induced at 39 weeks due to being 6cm dilated and 90% effaced. 

I had been dilating since 26 weeks pregnant, they didn't know why.

When I first went in to be induced they asked if I wanted an epidural. 

They said that with how dilated I was I would not get another chance to get one.  

I said no. 

8 hours later I was pushing out a little 7lb 11oz baby boy. 

He had the cord around his neck 3 times and was purple. 

The doctor looked concerned but didn't say anything. 

Kaiden didnt make a sound just hung limp in her hands. 

She unwrapped the cord and immediatly color rushed to his face. 

Breath of relief. 

He started crying. 

It seemed like in that moment time stood still. 

...

...

The placenta still had not come out when they stitched me up. 

I have no idea why she stitched me up before it came out.

They were in a hurry.

 

I was still on pitocin so I was still contracting but it didnt hurt anymore. 

I was too focused on the baby. 

The baby I wasn't ready for. 

The baby I didn't have a clue how to care for. 

And in that moment it didn't matter that I was young or scared or not ready.

 I knew I could do it. 

I would do it. 

For him. 

I knew I would do anything for him.

Then all hell broke loose. 

The OB thought my placenta wasn't coming out fast enough so she decided to shove her hand up into my uterus and pull it out. 

She pressed on my stomach while pulling on the placenta but it wouldn't come out. 

So she got forceps. 

By this point the pain started again. 

Agonizing pain. 

She was hurting me.

 I had just given birth. 

I couldn't take any more pain. 

She clasped the placenta with forcepts and tugged with all her might.

 Three jerks later she nearly fell backwards as the placenta ripped itself off the uterine wall. Immediatly pools of blood came out.

 The doctors went into overdrive. 

Codes were called out over the intercom. 

Doctors and surgeons flooded into my room. 

Blood kept pooling out. 

It filled the buckets they put down. 

None of it registered.  

I was dying.

But I didn't know. I was numb. 

Falling back into myself. 

Floating inside a hollow space in my head. 

Fighting to see. 

Fighting to understand what they were shouting, what they were doing. 

 I couldn't.

 I couldn't feel. 

I couldn't speak. 

Im dying. 

My baby. My baby. 

It was worth it. 

My baby. Please no. My baby. 

I was screaming but nobody could hear me. 

Where is my baby? 

Why is he not here? 

I need him. 

I need to see his face. 

My lips wouldn't move. 

I was trapped in myself. I couldn't ask to see him. 

Please hear me!

I layed there while people were talking about D&Cs and nurses and doctors flooded in and out. 

I was vaguely aware as a nurse brought a giant syringe in and said "this might hurt a bit" 

stabbing the metal into my thigh. 

I didn't move. 

Didn't speak. 

I couldn't. 

I just layed there. 

Hearing but unable to respond.

The bleeding slowed down and they decided against the d&c. 

I had lost several liters of blood. 

I had come very close to death.

I had to stay in the delivery bed overnight because they feared if I moved I would hemmorage again. 

Eventually they came with a wheelchair to take me to a nice room. 

I almost passed out. I still hadn't received blood. 

They thought I could regain it on my own. 

But I wasnt allowed to eat in case they needed to perform the d&c. 

After being there 2 days I finally got the blood transfusion while Bryce was at bowling. 

It helped a ton and soon I was able to move out of the bed and sit with kaiden in a chair by the window. 

Those were the best moments of my life.

Then we went home.

 Life got a bit more complicated and stressful.

Bryce and I fought a lot at that point. 

Mostly because of lack of sleep and stress.

I felt he needed to focus less on extracurricular activities and more on the baby he helped created. 

He wanted to be a free college kid who could flirt with the cute brunette in choir named Rusty. 

I, of course, disapproved.

He admitted to doing things behind my back while I was pregnant and I was hurt.

I feared things would never be ok between us.

We "broke up" and got back together several times. 

I thought if I broke up with him he would see how much it bothered me and stop. 

He would stop and then do it again a few day-weeks later. 

I was with Kaiden all the time.

I took care of him alone every night and day for several months. 

It took its toll on me and I almost gave up on everything.

I gave up on breastfeeding. 

I gave up on writing.

I gave up on myself.

 

I didn't want to admit I had postpartum depression until it got really bad

because I didn't want people to think I was going to hurt my son, 

because I wasn't. 

I was just so sad and alone inside. 

I wanted Bryce to see how he was hurting me. 

 I wished many days and nights that I had never been born.

I cursed myself for believing that this relationship would be different.

At this point we were fighting all the time and he wasn't liking the idea of being a dad. 

He wasn't ready and I knew it. 

Neither of us were but I tried to do my best. 

He wanted to be free. 

Forget it ever happened.

 I told him to go. 

If he didn't want us then just go. 

He never left, just didn't want to stay.

Eventually we went to counseling and it saved our entire relationship. 

Bryce and I realized a lot of things that would have taken us years to figure out on our own.

We started to become the parents and couple we are today.

 Everyday our relationship grew stronger and we learned a lot about each other. 

We fell for each other again.

Except this time we fell in love with the flaws too. 

We realized neither was perfect and accepted that. 

It helped us in a million ways as parents too. 

Soon we were a strong couple with a happy growing baby boy.

The things that had brought us down so far before 

made us even stronger as a couple.

Kaidens 1st birthday came and went and we realized it was about time. 

Time for what? You might ask. 

Time to tie the knot!

On October 20th, 2013 we got married.

It was a beautiful wedding ceremony and we were trying so hard not to cry on the altar. 

Life was amazing and we were so happy.

...

...

We started trying to conceive our second baby. 

It felt good to actually plan a baby instead of it just popping up one day.

In December we found out we were expecting our second baby. 

It was so amazing seeing those positive tests and knowing that it was just the beginning of another long happy journey.

...

...

I still fear for the same problems to arise in the birth of this baby. 

I kniw there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening again either. 

It scares me. 

But I know in the end, 

no matter what, 

another beautiful baby boy will be brought into this world!

I'm sorry that I had to skip over so many details! If I didn't I would be writing a novel!!

Follow this blog for more updates from me. I will be posting pregnancy updates as well as updates when baby boy is born 

AND

I will be announcing his name on here!!