Welcome To Our Family (Part 2)

I guess I left you all at a very important moment. I will spare you the visual of what happened. 

This is where maybe I should explain how unprotected sex can end in pregnancy, 

but we all know how this story ends so I'll just cut to the chase. 

After the deed was done I did not feel love for Bryce. 

I did not feel any different about him. 

I was not ashamed of what I had done the first day we met in person. 

Again, it is not a moment in my life I am proud of. 

Nonetheless, what's done is done. 

After that the days dragged on as I moved into the new house. 

My room started looking like my own and Bryce came and went between his job and school. 

We talked on the phone every night and kept in contact. 

Technically we were dating but we were not exactly a couple off the cover of a magazine.

I still had not fallen for him though each day I got a bit closer. 

He understood me like nobody else had. 

That scared me. 

And when I got scared, I always ran. 

But again somehow I decided not to. 

Something made me stay. I still don't know what.

A few weeks after we first met I missed my period. 

For me it wasn't an oh shit moment. 

My period was unpredictable and occasionally came late. 

I thought nothing of it. Until I brought it up to Bryce. 

We joked about me being pregnant. 

Did all the what ifs. 

Neither of us actually thinking it was a real possibility. 

I mean, why us?

Things like that don't happen to just anyone. Right?

Wrong. 

A few days went by and I started to be concerned. I didn't feel sick, did I? 

That obviously means I can't be pregnant, right?  

Wrong again. 

I drove myself to the dollar tree to get a test. 

I told my mom I was going to put oyt more job applications. 

I didn't tell Bryce where I was going. 

I didn't want to tell anyone. Again,  I was scared. 

I got there and picked up the dollar store tests and checked out. 

The young man ringing up my items must have seen the scared ashamed look on my face. 

He said "I hope you get the answer youre hoping for." 

I took my bag and left. 

I still remember thinking "oh why did I do this"

I got lost on my way home. 

I ended up in tears because I had no idea where I was. 

Hint one. 

I had to call my grandma to give me directions. 

I still got lost and cried even more until she had to drive to me and guide me home. 

Hint two.

Still I was unconvinced that anything would show up on the test. 

I swore it would be just one line and life would go on like usual. 

Me smoking my lungs away trying to escape my past.

Two lines.

In the bathroom I sat there shocked. 

I didn't cry, didn't smile. 

Just sat there. 

Numb. 

Its not true.

Its wrong.

Its cheap so it can make mistakes. 

I knew I was pleading with the world. 

Please let it be wrong. I can't do this. 

Im not ready.

I sent Bryce a picture of the test. 

He thought it was fake, a joke. 

Oh boy, I wished I could tell him it was. 

I bought another test, a first response. 

Positive. Positive. 

I bought several more. 

Positive. Positive. Positive. 

A digial. Yes +

Oh God, this is real.

Bryce got out of school and came over and I showed him the tests. 

He looked at them for a while, 

maybe hoping if he looked long enough one of the dark lines would vanish. 

Neither of them did.

...

...

Over the course of my pregnancy we both grew close. 

I fell for him and he fell for me but we were both so young. 

We had no idea what we were about to experience. 

No idea how hard life was about to become.

Kaiden was born when Bryce was starting college and in bowling leagues.

I was induced at 39 weeks due to being 6cm dilated and 90% effaced. 

I had been dilating since 26 weeks pregnant, they didn't know why.

When I first went in to be induced they asked if I wanted an epidural. 

They said that with how dilated I was I would not get another chance to get one.  

I said no. 

8 hours later I was pushing out a little 7lb 11oz baby boy. 

He had the cord around his neck 3 times and was purple. 

The doctor looked concerned but didn't say anything. 

Kaiden didnt make a sound just hung limp in her hands. 

She unwrapped the cord and immediatly color rushed to his face. 

Breath of relief. 

He started crying. 

It seemed like in that moment time stood still. 

...

...

The placenta still had not come out when they stitched me up. 

I have no idea why she stitched me up before it came out.

They were in a hurry.

 

I was still on pitocin so I was still contracting but it didnt hurt anymore. 

I was too focused on the baby. 

The baby I wasn't ready for. 

The baby I didn't have a clue how to care for. 

And in that moment it didn't matter that I was young or scared or not ready.

 I knew I could do it. 

I would do it. 

For him. 

I knew I would do anything for him.

Then all hell broke loose. 

The OB thought my placenta wasn't coming out fast enough so she decided to shove her hand up into my uterus and pull it out. 

She pressed on my stomach while pulling on the placenta but it wouldn't come out. 

So she got forceps. 

By this point the pain started again. 

Agonizing pain. 

She was hurting me.

 I had just given birth. 

I couldn't take any more pain. 

She clasped the placenta with forcepts and tugged with all her might.

 Three jerks later she nearly fell backwards as the placenta ripped itself off the uterine wall. Immediatly pools of blood came out.

 The doctors went into overdrive. 

Codes were called out over the intercom. 

Doctors and surgeons flooded into my room. 

Blood kept pooling out. 

It filled the buckets they put down. 

None of it registered.  

I was dying.

But I didn't know. I was numb. 

Falling back into myself. 

Floating inside a hollow space in my head. 

Fighting to see. 

Fighting to understand what they were shouting, what they were doing. 

 I couldn't.

 I couldn't feel. 

I couldn't speak. 

Im dying. 

My baby. My baby. 

It was worth it. 

My baby. Please no. My baby. 

I was screaming but nobody could hear me. 

Where is my baby? 

Why is he not here? 

I need him. 

I need to see his face. 

My lips wouldn't move. 

I was trapped in myself. I couldn't ask to see him. 

Please hear me!

I layed there while people were talking about D&Cs and nurses and doctors flooded in and out. 

I was vaguely aware as a nurse brought a giant syringe in and said "this might hurt a bit" 

stabbing the metal into my thigh. 

I didn't move. 

Didn't speak. 

I couldn't. 

I just layed there. 

Hearing but unable to respond.

The bleeding slowed down and they decided against the d&c. 

I had lost several liters of blood. 

I had come very close to death.

I had to stay in the delivery bed overnight because they feared if I moved I would hemmorage again. 

Eventually they came with a wheelchair to take me to a nice room. 

I almost passed out. I still hadn't received blood. 

They thought I could regain it on my own. 

But I wasnt allowed to eat in case they needed to perform the d&c. 

After being there 2 days I finally got the blood transfusion while Bryce was at bowling. 

It helped a ton and soon I was able to move out of the bed and sit with kaiden in a chair by the window. 

Those were the best moments of my life.

Then we went home.

 Life got a bit more complicated and stressful.

Bryce and I fought a lot at that point. 

Mostly because of lack of sleep and stress.

I felt he needed to focus less on extracurricular activities and more on the baby he helped created. 

He wanted to be a free college kid who could flirt with the cute brunette in choir named Rusty. 

I, of course, disapproved.

He admitted to doing things behind my back while I was pregnant and I was hurt.

I feared things would never be ok between us.

We "broke up" and got back together several times. 

I thought if I broke up with him he would see how much it bothered me and stop. 

He would stop and then do it again a few day-weeks later. 

I was with Kaiden all the time.

I took care of him alone every night and day for several months. 

It took its toll on me and I almost gave up on everything.

I gave up on breastfeeding. 

I gave up on writing.

I gave up on myself.

 

I didn't want to admit I had postpartum depression until it got really bad

because I didn't want people to think I was going to hurt my son, 

because I wasn't. 

I was just so sad and alone inside. 

I wanted Bryce to see how he was hurting me. 

 I wished many days and nights that I had never been born.

I cursed myself for believing that this relationship would be different.

At this point we were fighting all the time and he wasn't liking the idea of being a dad. 

He wasn't ready and I knew it. 

Neither of us were but I tried to do my best. 

He wanted to be free. 

Forget it ever happened.

 I told him to go. 

If he didn't want us then just go. 

He never left, just didn't want to stay.

Eventually we went to counseling and it saved our entire relationship. 

Bryce and I realized a lot of things that would have taken us years to figure out on our own.

We started to become the parents and couple we are today.

 Everyday our relationship grew stronger and we learned a lot about each other. 

We fell for each other again.

Except this time we fell in love with the flaws too. 

We realized neither was perfect and accepted that. 

It helped us in a million ways as parents too. 

Soon we were a strong couple with a happy growing baby boy.

The things that had brought us down so far before 

made us even stronger as a couple.

Kaidens 1st birthday came and went and we realized it was about time. 

Time for what? You might ask. 

Time to tie the knot!

On October 20th, 2013 we got married.

It was a beautiful wedding ceremony and we were trying so hard not to cry on the altar. 

Life was amazing and we were so happy.

...

...

We started trying to conceive our second baby. 

It felt good to actually plan a baby instead of it just popping up one day.

In December we found out we were expecting our second baby. 

It was so amazing seeing those positive tests and knowing that it was just the beginning of another long happy journey.

...

...

I still fear for the same problems to arise in the birth of this baby. 

I kniw there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening again either. 

It scares me. 

But I know in the end, 

no matter what, 

another beautiful baby boy will be brought into this world!

I'm sorry that I had to skip over so many details! If I didn't I would be writing a novel!!

Follow this blog for more updates from me. I will be posting pregnancy updates as well as updates when baby boy is born 

AND

I will be announcing his name on here!!