My Blog

Sunday, November 15, 2020

We Are The Grim

    Not everyone dies here. Not anymore. It used to be when your time came you would slip into the void, no time to say goodbyes. Since the third war Death stepped aside and the remaining humans are left with "The Mark' when it is our time. A decent size dot on our wrist to symbolize our time has come.  It then becomes everyone else's job to be our death. If we see someone with The Mark they are to be reported immediately to the Grims. If you do not follow this rule you too will receive The Mark. Grims take on the duty of death. There are 20 of us left in this desolate world we were left with and it was never a placement any of us chose. We were born with a semi-colon on our wrist to offset The Mark. It was our calling in life I suppose. 

    I sat up straighter in my chair as the mark or the Grim burned slightly. Another mark was created, someone's time was ready to end. I sighed and took another drink. What a job. Since I was a child I killed so many people simply because it's what I was born to do. I never questioned my job. Without a mother or a life outside of the Grims it very quickly became all I had. I looked around my dusty room. Under the window were some wilted flowers and a dirty cup of water that had collected so much dust it didn't much look like water anymore. I was rarely home but when I was I didn't care much for cleaning. I really should hire someone to do it I thought briefly then shook my head immediately. Nobody liked Grims, most that would cause was a scene. It's better to be alone. Stay far away from people unless they were my mark. 

    I got up slowly, sitting my half empty cup on the window sill next to the other. I'll put it away when I get back I thought, then chuckled a little at the thought. I still hadn't put the last one up. I quickly grabbed both and sat the in the sink. There, I thought, better. I grabbed my hoodie and started for the door stopping briefly to fix my long black hair at the mirror. I took a closer look noticing the heavy bags under my blue eyes. This job didn't do anyone well. I turned away and quickly opened the front door darting towards the path to the exit of our village. I had a view in the back of my head of a man sitting in a small but perfectly upkept room and knew exactly where i needed to be. 

    I walked quickly down the dirt covered road littered with broken vehicles and desolated homes. This place probably looked quite nice a long time ago, before the war. It was surprising that anything was left of the world before. I had heard so many stories from people over the years of how terrible the war had been. People always talked about it in hushed voices with their eyes darting like they could be caught talking about something terrible. I knew some about what life had been like before. Whole roads that stretched for forever leading to many towns full off people. That there were so many people alive that they had run out of space. Food was scarce, not much unlike now. Yet things must have been nice then. From the stories passed down it seemed like a beautiful place.

    I realized I had been daydreaming for a while when I saw the sign indicating I was getting close to the next village. I slowed my pace not looking forward to being so close to my target. I knew it was simple, kill the target and leave. No need for burial or announcement. Most importantly though I needed to get back out without people seeing my mark. I slipped on my hoodie and made sure my wrist was covered. It was a warm day and the sun soaked immediately into the fabric. I sighed realizing this would not be easy. 
    
    The village was bustling with people both young and old but as expected they were all wearing short sleeves. In these times covering your wrist generally made people assume you were hiding something. Normally people ran away when they got their mark  fearing the Grims finding them and the job was done far from human eye. This was one of the rare occasions where we had to go into a town. It was not illegal by any means, it was our job but at the same time people banded together. If we were dead there would be no death. Immortality has always been something people wanted but now it seemed so easy to achieve. If they saw me, I would be dead. Though I couldn't blame them I couldn't question my duty. It was what I was born to do and there had to be a natural order to things. Life and death had to occur.

    I slid quietly into an alleyway trying to avoid the prying eyes of the people. The darkness between the two broken buildings covered me and melded well with my dark clothing. I walked slowly keeping my footsteps quiet as to not attract unwanted attention. I got to the end of the alley way and reached into my pocket to grasp my knife. The cold steel gave me comfort in moments like this. I always felt like such an outsider but in these situations especially. Looking around I noticed the inn across the road but blocking my path was a small shopkeeper selling small trinkets she had made. I paused hoping there was some way to make this situation avoidable. I stepped out into the light forcing myself to breathe and tried to casually walk across the road hoping she wouldn't notice me. 

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Ultrasound Tomorrow?

Hi my lovelies!

So tomorrow is a big day.

I know not many people read these anymore because I haven't been doing them in a long time but I have some news.

We are going to find out what we are having tomorrow...!

I know i can't believe I'm already 16 weeks. Last time we found out at 13. (It was probably just a lucky guess that early though). I didn't want to find out but I don't think it will work with bryce knowing and me not. I know at some point it will slip and it would be hard for bryce to be the only one knowing and not able to talk about it. 

So we will both be having the tech hand us a paper with the gender and we will go to a restaurant and have them bring either a pink or blue drink. It will be special. We still will not be announcing the gender though. As of right now we will be waiting to tell everyone until december. 

Thats all for now though ! 


Saturday, May 6, 2017

Pregnant Again

What's the difference between each pregnancy?
Everything .

I've had such random things happen every pregnancy and it's throwing me off so bad this time!

That and everyone has an opinion.
Of course it's motherhood, level two of high school. 

I think people think that everything means something.
I guess I'm a boring person. I don't really believe in wives tales. 

Onto the subject of baby's sex.
I am not going to be announcing this baby's sex until birth.

JUST to keep you on your toes 😂
I love you all but with this being our last I want to keep you guessing!

If all goes well and baby's still ok we will be doing the genetic testing done at 10 weeks due to family history. 
We never have before but opted to this time due to the short age gap between emrys. 

Well we will find the sex of baby through that test with 98% accuracy so we will know at around 11 weeks. We will not be telling anyone until he/she is born.

Everyone is undecided what we will have. 
In the end it's a 51/49 chance. 
Boy vs girl
I won't even say what I think. 
I have no preference anymore.
I have so many children I'm just hoping for a calm one!

So you'll know the name options but you will not know which one it is. 

Hope you're excited to meet this little Christmas baby. 

Night night everyone! 

Signing out 

Peace ✌️ 

Rebecca.

Starting Over

So it's sure been a while.

I've given up many things over the past few years.

Friends
Family
Outside Communication
Reading 
Writing

It's been the only predictable thing about me lately.

I've come to not know who I am or what I enjoy anymore.

I avoid mirrors like the plague.

God forbid I see my flabby thighs,
I don't bother brushing my hair.
Why bother it wont make me appear and thinner.

I am my worst critic and it's killing me.


Sure i know what I'm doing to myself.
Its not healthy and it's not true.

A woman can be beautiful without being thin.
I just cant force myself to see that.

So instead I let go of everyone who sees me.
I let myself fall back into the void of loneliness because I convince myself its what I need.

I am my own worst enemy.


I look at everything in a negative light.
Youtube has suffered because I look like a mess and I'm missing the personality I used to show
Family and friends have stopped trying to reach out long ago.
Maybe they decided it wasn't worth it anymore.
Maybe I pushed them away too long.

I know i didn't want them to go.

The weird thing about depression is that you push people away but secretly hope they will push back just as hard to stay.


People have never pushed back for me.
I guess that's why i shrink even deeper.
Or I suppose I could blame it on my past.
I suppose there are a number of things I could point fingers at but honestly I think it's just me.

I try so hard to make excuses.

It's not my fault I'm this way.

I try to remember what it felt like to feel happy.
I can't really remember though.
It seems like I've been in a fog for so long that my life thus far is a blur.
Sometimes I think I have short term memory loss.
I'm told it's called suppression from trauma.

Someday's I see no reason to try to fix myself.
Other days, like today, I want to get better.
I love my kids and I love where life has taken me.

It's me, not you.

That's always annoying to hear right.

Today I want to start again. 

Today I want to remember myself.
Even if this is just a tiny step 
I feel like I'm reaching out of the fog for the first time in a long time.

I'm writing again.

I've missed being able to spill my emotions out.
Even if nobody reads this I am completely fine.

I just knew that if anything was going to change I had to do this.
If I'm going to move in a positive direction I need to remember what I was passionate about.
This reminds me of who I am.

I will let her free again.

I will be happy.
Depression will not hold me prisoner anymore.
I love my life and I will not let it take me back.

Fuck you depression. (sorry but it feels good to say that)

Love you all


Your lost little lovely,
Rebecca.


Saturday, August 30, 2014

39 Weeks Pregnant

So this is being made in my iPad so it isn't as "cool" as my other posts but just wanted to make a quick update. I'm being induced in 3 days. On September 2nd 2014. 

Here is my 39 week belly
.,

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

My Parenting Style

In our family we practice what is called "Attachment Parenting" and live a "crunchy" lifestyle.Don't know what that is? Read below! :)


"The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we'd like them to interact with others."

In our family attachment parenting and the "crunchy" lifestyle go together. Therefore I will be explaining each separately. Before I start, I would like to make a small disclaimer:

{Some of my views may be different than yours. This is not meant to be demeaning to others who choose to parent differently than I do. I do not/will not judge another mothers/fathers parenting styles. Everyone is completely different, and I respect that.}

ATTACHMENT PARENTING

While the roots of attachment parenting are in ancient tribal society and modern science, attachment parenting has no script. It's all about trusting the baby and being responsive. It's practical and personal.

"I like to think of attachment parenting as a beautiful tree, and like all trees - there are branches we can hold onto as parents. Not every branch is for everyone. 
The seven principals are tools not a script. 

Notice we use the term “tools” rather than “steps.” Tools are things you use to complete a job. The better the tools, the easier and the better you can do the job. With tools you can pick and choose which of those fit your personal parent-child relationship. Steps imply that you have to use all the steps to get the job done. That is not the case when practicing attachment parenting."

1.) Bonding After Birth

When Kaiden was born I wanted skin to skin contact. I wasn't able to get that until several hours later due to the cord having been around his neck and immediately after that I started hemorrhaging. Once I did finally hold him in my arms I felt so much better and so did he. 


The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, attachment-needing behaviors of the infant and the caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture.

“What if something happens to prevent our immediate bonding?”


Sometimes medical complications keep you and your baby apart for a while, just play catch-up. Easy as that. Birth bonding is not like instant glue that cements the mother-child relationship together forever. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child. Immediate bonding simply gives the parent-infant relationship a head start. 

2.) Exclusive/Long Term Breastfeeding 

Breastfeeding helps you read your baby’s cues and body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.


If you cannot breastfeed it's OK! This is where the misconception's start. Just because you do not breastfeed does not mean you "aren't aloud" to practice attachment parenting. There are plenty of other ways to bond with your newborn, and do not beat yourself up because it wasn't for you. Trust me, your baby will be just as attached.

3.) "Baby Wearing"


A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy mother. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of "quiet alertness" in which babies learn most about their environment. Babywearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity. 

4.) Co-Sleeping


Wherever all family members get the best night’s sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

Kaiden and I have slept in the same bed from the first day home from the hospital up until he started crawling. We had to stop for a while because he learned to crawl and would wake up and crawl off the edge of the bed without making a sound. Soon after he learned how to crawl off the bed backwards without hurting himself but I was still hesitant about trying that again. Now he sleeps in a little bed in our room and generally crawls into bed with us. Although not often because a queen bed can barely fit a pregnant woman, her pillows, and her husband. Adding a squirmy toddler who kicks at night is a dangerous uncomfortable mix. 

5.) Responding To ALL Of Baby's Crys


A baby’s cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby’s cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby’s needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate. 

Toddlers generally have some ways to communicate but do not know how to express emotions. This is one major thing I have noticed with Kaiden. He will get upset and throw or hit. This is not because he wants to hurt anything or anyone. He just does not know the proper way of handling what he is feeling. When you get angry or upset, over the years, we have learned how to voice that feeling or deal with it in an appropriate manner. Before he can act in an appropriate manner he must first understand what he is feeling and why. As a toddler his age, he is not yet capable of that kind of a thought process on his own. So when a toddler acts out you have to recognize why he is acting the way he is and explain to him how he feels and how to respond to that particular emotion. He will undoubtedly not pick it up the first time you tell him, of course. Just be patient. 

6.) Going Against The Grain


Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This “convenience” parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

7.) Remembering Yourself & Others Too


In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it’s easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your relationships. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no,” and having the wisdom to say “yes” to yourself when you need help.

This is a hard one to accomplish, especially early on, because babies take a lot of time and energy. It's hard not to forget about others and even harder than that to not forget about yourself. I remember the first few months I was so busy caring about Kaiden's needs I forgot to use the restroom and shower.. 

MORE ABOUT ATTACHMENT PARENTING:

  • Attachment Parenting is a starter style. There may be medical or family circumstances why you are unable to practice all of these baby B’s. Attachment parenting implies first opening your mind and heart to the individual needs of your baby, and eventually you will develop the wisdom on how to make on-the-spot decisions on what works best for both you and your baby. Do the best you can with the resources you have – that’s all your child will ever expect of you. These baby B’s help parents and baby get off to the right start. Use these as starter tips to work out your own parenting style – one that fits the individual needs of your child and your family. Attachment parenting helps you develop your own personal parenting style.
  • Attachment Parenting  is an approach, rather than a strict set of rules. It’s actually the style that many parents use instinctively. Parenting is too individual and baby too complex for there to be only one way. The important point is to get connected to your baby, and the baby B’s of attachment parenting help. Once connected, stick with what is working and modify what is not. You will ultimately develop your own parenting style that helps parent and baby find a way to fit – the little word that so economically describes the relationship between parent and baby.
  • Attachment Parenting is responsive parenting. By becoming sensitive to the cues of your infant, you learn to read your baby’s level of need. Because baby trusts that his needs will be met and his language listened to, the infant trusts in his ability to give cues. As a result, baby becomes a better cue-giver, parents become better cue-readers, and the whole parent-child communication network becomes easier.

EARTHY CRUNCHY MAMA 

(urthee kruhn-chee mah-muh)
-noun, earth·y crunch·y ma·ma
  1. a person who is environmentally, health, and socially conscious.
  2. a parent who fosters a strong, positive bond with their children through natural living.
What Is a Crunchy Mom? Crunchy? Granola? Green? Hippy? Whatever you want to call it, there are as many definitions for “crunchy mom” as there are moms. Unfortunately, the thing about labels is that they are not always very useful, especially when everyone has a different idea about what those labels represent. So, instead of telling you a crunchy mom does this or doesn't do that, let's define what a "crunchy mom" is to me.

A "crunchy mom" is one who is willing to go against the grain and do what is best for her child. 
She willingly does her own research for pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding and baby wearing, vaccines and solid foods.
 Because of her research and her dedication to give her baby the absolute best of everything, a "crunchy mom" may have a natural birth, practice extended breastfeeding, baby wearing, and baby led weaning. 
A crunchy mom will do her own extensive research regarding vaccines, if any, her child will receive. 
Crunchy moms normally practice attachment parenting, co-sleeping, and that allowing their child to cry it out, may do more harm than good. 
Crunchy moms children normally whip out organic apples as all the other children eat oreos.
Crunchy moms have a strength all their own, as they often have to pick their battles with friends and family over these issues. 
Crunchy moms support all moms, even if their opinions differ. 
They believe in encouraging every mom and they understand that each mom has different needs and even different beliefs. 
Personally, being a crunchy mom is about going tons of research. 
Every day we learn something new and that something new that may change the way we parent as crunchy moms. 
As many have said before, if we know better, we do better.

30 Week Bumpdate!




Updates
This week has been going fairly well. Kaiden has been throwing a lot more temper tantrums so I have been a bit stressed and worn down. Asher is getting a lot bigger and I feel very heavy.


Symptoms

Tired
Hormonal
Sore
Extreme Thirst
Increased Urination
Heavy
Stressed
Headaches
Leg Cramps
Dry Skin
Nausea

Cravings

Fruit
Lemonade
Ice Cream
Water
Iced Tea
Fruit Smoothies






Highlights and Lowlights of my Pregnancy Week 27-30:

Highlights: 
  • My belly is growing more everyday
  • Asher can move my entire belly (videos on instagram)
  • I haven't dilated or effaced yet!
  • 3/4 the way to meeting my baby!!
  • I can feel him move A LOT!
  • He is head down.
  • This pregnancy is going great compared to last time!
Lowlights:
  • My acne is coming on full force 
  • Pain in tailbone when laying on my back
  • I feel so heavy
  • I have trouble getting out of bed
  • I get tired very easily
  • A few new stretch marks on my legs & stomach
  • My feet are always sore
  • I cannot hold Kaiden without hurting myself



Weight gain: +32 lbs 



Major Developmental Milestones: Asher is weighing in at over 3 pounds now and is around 15.7 inches long. In the next seven weeks he will be packing on around half a pound a week! His brain is starting to look like a normal brain with wrinkles and ridges! He can also regulate his own body heat so he is shedding his lanugo (downy body hair that been keeping him warm).



Stretch marks: A few little red dots on top of my old stretch marks on my stomach. They aren't full blown stitch marks yet just tiny dots.


Belly button in or out: It is an outie!


Sleep: It is extremely hard to get comfortable now since I am a belly sleeper and can no longer do that. I have to have a pillow between my legs and it takes me about an hour to find a comfortable position. I wake up several times a night switching sides and going to the bathroom.


Best moment this week: Having my hubby give me a foot massage



Worst moment this week: Kaiden's Temper Tantrums

Miss anything: Being able to do things easily.

Movement: His movements can sometimes be painful.

Cravings: Fruit and drinks are the main craving for this week! 

Queasy or sick: A little .

Looking forward to: Moving into the new house!

Mood: I've been very tired and sore!

Upcoming Events/Appointments: I have an OB appointment this week!

What I Look Forward To: My baby shower on Sunday

Weekly Wisdom: Beggars can't be choosers.

Starting weight 130 pounds! 
I am now 162 pounds. 
I gained 32 lbs!

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