Starting Over

So it's sure been a while.

I've given up many things over the past few years.

Friends

Family

Outside Communication

Reading 

Writing

It's been the only predictable thing about me lately.

I've come to not know who I am or what I enjoy anymore.

I avoid mirrors like the plague.

God forbid I see my flabby thighs,

I don't bother brushing my hair.

Why bother it wont make me appear and thinner.

I am my worst critic and it's killing me.

Sure i know what I'm doing to myself.

Its not healthy and it's not true.

A woman can be beautiful without being thin.

I just cant force myself to see that.

So instead I let go of everyone who sees me.

I let myself fall back into the void of loneliness because I convince myself its what I need.

I am my own worst enemy.

I look at everything in a negative light.

Youtube has suffered because I look like a mess and I'm missing the personality I used to show

Family and friends have stopped trying to reach out long ago.

Maybe they decided it wasn't worth it anymore.

Maybe I pushed them away too long.

I know i didn't want them to go.

The weird thing about depression is that you push people away but secretly hope they will push back just as hard to stay.

People have never pushed back for me.

I guess that's why i shrink even deeper.

Or I suppose I could blame it on my past.

I suppose there are a number of things I could point fingers at but honestly I think it's just me.

I try so hard to make excuses.

It's not my fault I'm this way.

I try to remember what it felt like to feel happy.

I can't really remember though.

It seems like I've been in a fog for so long that my life thus far is a blur.

Sometimes I think I have short term memory loss.

I'm told it's called suppression from trauma.

Someday's I see no reason to try to fix myself.

Other days, like today, I want to get better.

I love my kids and I love where life has taken me.

It's me, not you.

That's always annoying to hear right.

Today I want to start again. 

Today I want to remember myself.

Even if this is just a tiny step 

I feel like I'm reaching out of the fog for the first time in a long time.

I'm writing again.

I've missed being able to spill my emotions out.

Even if nobody reads this I am completely fine.

I just knew that if anything was going to change I had to do this.

If I'm going to move in a positive direction I need to remember what I was passionate about.

This reminds me of who I am.

I will let her free again.

I will be happy.

Depression will not hold me prisoner anymore.

I love my life and I will not let it take me back.

Fuck you depression. (sorry but it feels good to say that)

Love you all

Your lost little lovely,

Rebecca.